WELL...
To be honest, and quite directly related to Strangling Figs earlier in this write...I was brought (back) very low (again) today.
A bit of background: I was in an abusive and regularly DV marriage for a total of 21 years. When I hit my "done" zone, she made sure to leave me sacrificing everything else if I was going to keep my mother's house. It was a time of no heat use, winter evenings at the gym because they were warm and had hot showers for the cost of $10/month, and eating leftovers from a weekly dinner at Mom's. (I didn't tell Mom it was this bad, of course.) I was so shocked and depressed at the realization of all that had happened to me - all I'd allowed to happen to me - that I wasn't eating much anyway. I lost over 60 lbs.
I'm still a big guy - that was mid 290s to mid 220s. But I have a lot more skin than I need, and it's in the way and I wear clothes that contain it but I didn't realize it'd redlight the surgery I'd staked so much hope on.
I was told today that this extra skin is a medical risk to my healing, and to the results I need. That I need to convince insurance that what they see as cosmetic is medically necessary. That I've got a big bureaucratic fight ahead of me.
I also - still - have too much fat in bad places for healing success. I told him how much I hike, and that I can't get my heartrate high for more than a couple of minutes before my system adjusts, and he explained that hiking, endurance sports, build lean muscle and I need bulk muscle to pull my body into firmer shape. Which requires working out and repetition. Which requires a gym.
My Black friends have a phrase for the exact situation inside of me. I feel "some kinda way" about all this.
There are too many echoes to when I was truly brought VERY low. A very hard time. In that dark and cold was also a lot of jumping at shadows and coping with PTSD. Now, I go back to that gym? Or would it be better to be at a different one, even if less convenient? What if I do everything just right, would there be a 30% chance of success? 50%?
My emotional state, much like my skin flaps, is pretty wrinkled and deflated.
— FriarMir
To be honest, and quite directly related to Strangling Figs earlier in this write...I was brought (back) very low (again) today.
A bit of background: I was in an abusive and regularly DV marriage for a total of 21 years. When I hit my "done" zone, she made sure to leave me sacrificing everything else if I was going to keep my mother's house. It was a time of no heat use, winter evenings at the gym because they were warm and had hot showers for the cost of $10/month, and eating leftovers from a weekly dinner at Mom's. (I didn't tell Mom it was this bad, of course.) I was so shocked and depressed at the realization of all that had happened to me - all I'd allowed to happen to me - that I wasn't eating much anyway. I lost over 60 lbs.
I'm still a big guy - that was mid 290s to mid 220s. But I have a lot more skin than I need, and it's in the way and I wear clothes that contain it but I didn't realize it'd redlight the surgery I'd staked so much hope on.
I was told today that this extra skin is a medical risk to my healing, and to the results I need. That I need to convince insurance that what they see as cosmetic is medically necessary. That I've got a big bureaucratic fight ahead of me.
I also - still - have too much fat in bad places for healing success. I told him how much I hike, and that I can't get my heartrate high for more than a couple of minutes before my system adjusts, and he explained that hiking, endurance sports, build lean muscle and I need bulk muscle to pull my body into firmer shape. Which requires working out and repetition. Which requires a gym.
My Black friends have a phrase for the exact situation inside of me. I feel "some kinda way" about all this.
There are too many echoes to when I was truly brought VERY low. A very hard time. In that dark and cold was also a lot of jumping at shadows and coping with PTSD. Now, I go back to that gym? Or would it be better to be at a different one, even if less convenient? What if I do everything just right, would there be a 30% chance of success? 50%?
My emotional state, much like my skin flaps, is pretty wrinkled and deflated.
— FriarMir
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