A Life Unlived

A flood of emotions rushes through my body

Followed by the WHY CAN’Ts

I’ve always felt like a child…like I can’t

But I’ve gone through cancer treatment for christsake…BY MYSELF…no one to do it for me…

SO WHAT IS IT I CAN’T DO???

Make myself happy?
Make myself successful?
Travel the world?
Open a boutique?
Move to Monte Carlo?

WHY???

I am afraid.
To do it by myself.
Cuz lots of bad shit happened to me when I did before.

And I know that that was then and this is now.

But still.

Fear is what rises up in me.

I want to.
I want to do all of those things.
But I am afraid.
So afraid that someone will hurt me.

So I don’t.
And I wait.
For someone else to do it with me.
Or for me.

Stuck in the wait.
Angry at my childishness.
Sad at the ticking clock marking the days I have left unlived the way I wanted to.

— Trish